Noah and I have a mutual friend who texts so much it inspires modern legend. I was remembering a short weekend at Noah’s where our friend texted almost nonstop. It got to a point where I was ashamed to text in front of him because he would scoff at my inferior speed.

You might have thought I was jesting when I said “modern legend,” but I meant that statement with honesty. I like to tell his story . . . his achievement to other people, simply because it is a wonder of our time. The conversation always goes the same. ALWAYS.

Me: So I have a friend who texts so much. He sent 16,000 messages in a single month.

Person: That’s nothing. So and so texted over 3,000 once.

Me: Not sixteen hundred. Sixteen thousand.

Person: Aw snap, dawg!

I am a person who does not text recreationally unless I am incredibly bored. I tend to send messages to acquire information, or to send out a blurb. I have a few friends who will sometimes draw me into a texting conversation, which is something I have little patience for. This is typically fine, as it is very easy to cut out and ignore when the conversation drags on too long.

It is in these instances where my friend defends his “Legendary” status. He will text me, and I will be sucked into a conversation. Usually about halfway through the conversation, I decide that I don’t feel like talking anymore (I know, I am an awesome friend) and will try to pull my “don’t respond to create the illusion that I never got his last message.”

Do you know what the son of a bitch does? He sends the message again. Now I am obliged to respond, or else he will know that I just blowing him off. He is a mad villain. His texts are inescapable.

I know he reads the comic, and there is a good chance that he will read this post too, so I guess we are kind of calling him out too. I prefer to think of it as an “intervention.”

Also, I haven’t heard from him in awhile, so he should “totally text me, brah. We can talk about bitches and football.”

It’s cool, we’re not actually like that.

-Nathan

Gabardine.