swine flu is upon us! or H1N1! i’m not really sure why they switched the name of the flu to H1N1 – apparently the word “swine” is offensive to some group – but i never learned the true reason behind the switch. a few months ago someone told me (in jest) that they switched the name because they didn’t want pigs to get offended. i registered that as a joke, at first. then time went on and i forgot about the jest portion of the remark, and for a second, i roll my eyes when i hear “H1N1″, picturing pigs writing letters to the editor.

but this week apparently is going to be the big outbreak of the flu – it’s going to go “hog wild” this week (that joke copyright 2009 joel dryden). 40% of all people in my province are going to get it. 40%! that means almost every 2nd person i see is going to have it. i am going to pull so many dirty looks on people. if they cough – dirty look. if they don’t wash their hands – dirty look. if they make eye contact for too long – i will determine if they are flirting.

normally, of course, i am not too worried about getting sick – i’m a young man! everything comes up milhouse for young men! i never get sick, even though i sleep long hours and eat garbage! i don’t exercise, i don’t care for myself, i make bad health decisions – and yet, i’m going steady (for now. when i hit like, 25, i’ll likely be bedridden). but the constant media beration of the swine flu has gotten me worried. i don’t wanna be outta commission for a week, when i could be doing other things – like waterskiing (friends reruns), or skateboarding (madden nfl 10)! so i have begun to get paranoid. a friend came over and had a cough. a few hours and dirty looks after they left later, i wiped off the tv remote they used. paranoid! ocd! i would never do stuff like that before! i almost met up with my brother the other day, but had to cancel at the last minute. the next day, i found out he had the swine! crisis barely averted.

but my youthful health has paid off. i work at a rec center teaching little kids (a breeding ground for disease), and got a call today from the boss there. they told me that four other employees were out sick, so i was able to pick up their shifts – good, considering there’s less work to go around there these days. but one thing i try to brush aside? a rec center has hundreds of people going in and out all day, and little kids are stupid and can do the most stupid things. some of them have probably drank the blood of pigs, and received swine flu as a curse of their perverted action (this sentence courtesy of guest writer stephen king). so i will give a week-by-week update on this blog post towards my inevitable reception of the swine, in what i think we’ll call:

SWINE WATCH
week 1: no symptoms.

i pretty much can guarantee i’m going to get it at some point, thanks to a runny-nosed kid. but for now? weeeeeeee

i’d like to tell you what this week’s poop in bed nearly consisted of:

- a man snorting the SARS virus.

you’ll have to just picture that one in your head.

here’s a pib!

i’m writing this on someone else’s unsecured wireless connection so i really hope it posts when i ask it to.
if not, i’ll go down to the internet lounge in this beautiful new building of ours. maybe take a stop at the sauna on the way up, and then, .. – well actually those are basically the two amenities in the building but MAN

NEXT WEEK ON PIB BLOG:
excerpts from my coffee time with failed actor from slum building. BE THERE. or don’t that’s ok too.
JKD