Yuck! I’ve been drinking a lot of pop and eating a lot of what others might call “unhealthy” food (mcdonalds, pizza, a sausage i found at the bottom of the fridge which gave me food poisoning) so you might say I’m on a sort of health kick. Of course, I still possess the metabolism of a 12 year old, so a health kick for me consists of not eating greasy beef every day. Or drinking Coke at every opportunity. I’m not going crazy here, eating celery or something. Are you nuts?

So part of this health kick has been to not pick up the case of pop and instead cans of juice. This time around, I decided on Dole Strawberry Kiwi canned juice, which probably isn’t even healthy. But it sounded good – strawberry? Kiwi? Together? I usually love that combo. But if you have never learned anything from me, learn this: huge disappointment.

AWKWARD TRANSITION

I was talking to an aquaintance of mine and asked what they were up to for the evening. “Second Life”, they answered, without any degree of sarcasm. I laughed, taking their serious tone for a deeply dry sense of wit. Nope. “No, seriously” they said, “you should try it. It’s so much fun”. I scoffed, “Listen, nerd! I’ll leave the computer games to you losers! I’m off to be the captain of the hockey team!”. Okay so that last line wasn’t true, I actually said “yeah, maybe.”

If you haven’t heard of Second Life (and I really hadn’t up until recently), it’s a virtual reality sort of game. Like a modern world of warcraft (which is another oddity. NORMAL PEOPLE play this game. COOL PEOPLE play this game. NORMAL AND COOL PEOPLE PRETEND TO BE ELVES AND GO QUESTING to SLAY ORCS! ORCS! i don’t understand it). Except unlike the orc slaying game, this “game” basically consists of you walking around a laggy city talking to people and buying furniture for your crappy virtual house. Also you can fly.

I really haven’t put much research into it but basically it sounds like a terrible time where no fun is had.

I will now try to prove this theory.

A JOURNEY INTO SECOND LIFE

I felt diiiiirty downloading this game. It’s really corporate. You have to buy points to buy stuff for your character and house and stuff. It was also a friday afternoon at three thirty when I did this, and I could only imagine what kind of elites were playing at that time. I am really going places, playing virtual reality games mid-afternoon.

I created a character, but the program was so slow running on my laptop that I think I screwed it up and ended up with a neanderthal of some sort. I later found out that it was of the female gender (???):. Huge forehead, protruding jaw, a class act all the way.

I entered the world slightly after. It looked like Windows 95.

Here I found a man slouched over named “Mo Wasp”. Truly a sad existence when even his virtual character is slouched over and depressed.

I took to the air and started flying (???) which I figured would’ve been the only bright spot in a virtual world of advertising and slow loading, but nope. That sucked too.

I landed and went for a walk to cool my head. I apparently walked under the wrong bridge, because I was met with the sight of a naked individual of nondescript gender!! Yikes!!

Of course, I forgot what these games were all about – love between lonely forty year old people (well just men).

So I decided I at least should get into the spirit.

Nah. This game blows. Stay away from it, and Dole strawberry kiwi.

New poop in bed for yaaaall.

If there’s anything that will NEVER disappoint, it’s the Boss. I love that man.

AND i love you.

bye

joel