My  honeymoon period with Alaska is over. (Was there really ever one?) I was slightly disgusted by the cold and dark when I first arrived, but I was looking forward to being able to interact with familiar human beings for once since forever. There is nothing even funny about how cold it is here. It’s just terrible. Alaska, my wife, who was a beautiful bride when I married her (like four days ago) had some flaws which I thought I could forgive. No. This place is a crime. She is now a hulking, enormous ogre, who has reverted back to an animal state: shedding her clothes, which might be rather exciting, if not for the thick black coat of hair which covers her entire body, leaving space for only two dark, malicious eyes to scowl out at the world.

I spent my weekend “party hopping.” Well, I guess there were only two parties, but it felt like more since I peppered in a few miniature social experiences. Well . . . I guess there were only two of those as well. It just felt like . . .

You know what? Just drop it.

So anyways, party hopping, yeah? These are not “parties” in the “WOO! PARTY!” sense of the word, these are more like the kinds of parties which a grandmother could smile down upon (as long she did not hear the actual conversations occurring at these parties). I can assure you that nothing illegal happens at these parties, ever.

Oh wait . . . actually no, no. Sometimes software piracy occurs, as this first party indeed was a LAN party.

LAN parties are always pretty cool in my experience so far. This one was a bold departure from the LANs of six or seven people that I was used to. I believe the host actually said there were about 20 people there. While at this LAN, I made a shocking discovery. A discovery that can only be portrayed through this astonishing graph.

See, I consider myself a rather terrible and evil human being, so it is natural that I share the company of other terrible and evil human beings. (“I just be kiddin’ dawgs, we still coo’ right?“) The LANs that I used to attend about a year ago consisted of around 6 or 7 people. What this meant, is if you have a game going, and one person is having some kind of computer issue that they could use help with, you actually want that person playing for your own selfish reason. After all, what fun is a game that is 3v2? The answer is no fun. Well, maybe minimal fun.

Having so many people at the LAN meant there was actually competition for game slots, so it was never an issue of trying to maximize the players in a game. Before arriving, I was told that I would receive a copy of the game everyone would be playing at the LAN. Unfortunately, these people started playing, meaning that they were unavailable to provide me a copy. I managed to pass the time by playing single-player games, oh, and my wireless was refusing to work. It was not a complete bust,  I came out with an incredible, incredible, yet extremely vulgar simile. I won’t post it here since it is pretty vile, but I will link it, so that way certain tender eyes can avoid violation.

Sleeping was a problem, I had an engagement the next afternoon , so the customary “stay awake until normal people get up” was out of the question. When I announced that I was going to go to sleep, sounds of disbelief chimed through the room. But it was about 2 then, so it seemed reasonable enough. Unfortunately, there was nowhere in the immediate area to lie down, so I curled up in a ball and covered myself with a blanket, my head jutting out into a common pathway. Of course, the rowdy youth made a lot of noise, so I covered my head with my coat and the blanket in an attempt to muffle out the noise. So yes, I had my head stepped on a number of times. It was poor planning obviously, and something to probably avoid in the future.

Of course, for some reason when you gather a large amount of young males, their cursing intensifies to mathematically impossible levels. These curse-filled monologues seem to orbit around a sun of focus: male genitalia. I don’t know why, but as I tried to sleep, I heard so many curses (at no one in particular) that focused on different levels of phalluses, certain things that may happen to, or be done to phalluses, or even just creative names for phalluses. These were always delivered in the loudest possible manner, so that the current phallic remark would dominate the entirety of any conversation anywhere inside the house. Once I was able to shut that out (by thinking how terrible my sleeping conditions were) I was able to sleep until I was awoken by an increase in movement around the room since apparently I had rolled over an extension cord in my sleep and shut down the network. It might have been about five hours later (when I had figured out that there was another place to sleep) that I heard (completely out of context) an absolutely revolutionary curse. It was, in fact, “liquid dicks.” The simple philosophy behind that idea is astounding. It is now taking phalluses into different states of being, which is a concept far too advanced for my own simple mind.

Well that was really quite gross. I would like to take this opportunity to say, “Hi Grandma!”

I meant to post this like, Monday morning, but I kinda failed at that. I have pretty much covered the hilarity attempts.

I would also like to take time to mention that I have been working on something amazing. Something totally different, codename (if you have seen my Twitter): The Super Secret Project of Magic and Dreams. It is a huge departure from anything I have tried before, and I am very excited to unveil it when it is ready.  Keep an eye out in this space in the coming months for more information.

Alright, I will probably be writing again on Wednesday to accompany the comic, which I am assuming will be up, in some manner or form.

Take it easy,

-Nathan

http://gitcomic.com/images/sneakypeeky.jpg