We need to talk about Wednesday’s post, okay? One of the first things I woke up to in the morning was my mom calling to make sure that I was “feeling okay.” Apparently she had interpreted my post about the dangers of Comparing People on Facebook as a moment where I was emotionally crippled and trying to cope with a now non-existent self-esteem. My aunt thought the same thing! Throughout the day I had a friends email and call . . . all deeply concerned about the health of my ego: and trying to nurse it back to health by saying, “don’t let it get to you, it’s stupid,” or “don’t worry, you’re funny!” Or even, “how many of those people really even know you?”
This was actually pretty incredible, how many of you wrote to me, trying to help me through a non-existent crisis.To sum up my current self-esteem, take this quote a Frontalot song: “How fortunate y’all to get to bask under my glow.”
There will almost never, ever, EVER be something serious posted on this blog. It’s just not the appropriate place for it. Everything I am writing here is meant to be humor, and should always be interpreted as such. Unfortunately, a great deal of my humor stems from hefty, hefty doses of sarcasm. Unfortunately, sarcasm translates very poorly onto type, so I will have to work at making it clearer when I am being facetious.
Honestly, do you guys need a laugh track on here? I can do this. This can be done. Let’s try it out:
So I was doing some more thinking about Comparing Friends today . . . while sitting in my darkened room with tears streaming down my face.
Hahahahahahaha.
It’s quite simply just something that preys upon our natural human insecurities. It’s so horrible, that upon reflection, I am a bad person for using it. It’s something that needs to be taken lightly. In the last post I focused on the negative because I thought that would be funny. I still think it is funny. Now for the uplifer: the categories I am super awesome in.
#1 kindest. Yeah, out of my friends I have been chosen as the kindest person. This surprises me, and again shows how dumb this program is. I am a horrible and evil person, and am only kind to those which I do not know.
Hahahahahahaha.
I routinely batter Noah into a hopeless pile of broken dreams on a regular basis.
Hahahahahahaha.
This only further proves that these are snap judgments made by people who do not actually know me.
Next? I am considered choice makings for a father. Are you listening, ladies?
Hahahaha.
This laugh track thing is bothering me. Are we clear though? Just imagine a laugh track for this post, and we should be solid.
Apprently I must smell pretty good, because that is up there. I find this odd, since I do not wear any kind of cologne and only apply enough deodorant to combat my strange “fat man sweating syndrome” (which is a weird affliction to have when you are not fat). Maybe my pours emit a pleasing perfume that I am unaware of? I don’t know. That is what I will use when a conversation dies down. “So, uh . . . have you smelled me yet? Popular opinion is that I smell rather pleasant.”
Yeah, I am totally saying that to strangers in the street as well.
Deciding that I could no longer be party to this horrendous system, I wiped it from my Facebook forever. It was really eerie because as soon as I removed it, I could swear the ground rumbled and Lucifer, in his dark might, howled with pain from the depths of Hell.
My last two days in Alaska, of Tuesday and Wednesday were exceptionally pleasant. This is quite possibly due to the fact that it has warmed up to around freezing now. Quite an improvement from the “dark side of the moon” experience I was having when I first got here last Thursday. My Tuesday consisted of meeting a number of people for some last minute visits. Then today I went and saw the movie “Gran Turino.” It was a quite good film, but it was not the film I was paying money to see.
What I mean by that, if you watch the trailer, it gives you an impression (or at least it has given me, and everyone else I have spoken to) of a real hardcore movie where Clint Eastwood, the gruff, old veteran kicks the asses of a gang. While he does have some prime moments of violence against criminals, it never reaches the ultimately satisfying result that is shown by the trailer, or that you are led to expect in it’s incredibly disappointing climax. So while he is a bad ass, he is not the baddest of asses. I definitely recommend this movie, as it is very, very good, just don’t expect the movie you are seeing in the trailers. It is more of an inspiring story than a pulse-pounding adrenaline rush.
It’s great to be a young male, I am just going to say that. Standing outside the theater, we were discussing the film when this guy, who was quite possibly drunk, started slurring at my friend and me. After several repeats, we finally understood what he was talking about.
“Why is this all busted up?” He asked, referring to a movie poster case that had obviously been vandalized. I tried to stay logical.
“Uh, maybe someone broke it or something.” I replied.
“Was it you?!!” He snapped.
“No, we just got out here.” I said, wondering if there was someway to convey that I am a happy law-abiding citizen, who is only grateful to society, and does not strike out against it in any way.
“You can’t do this . . . this is a MOVIE THEATER!” He growled, staring at the broken case.
“It wasn’t us.” My friend replied, as we both eyed each other uneasily, and decided it was probably time to move back inside, away from the scary, possibly unstable hobo outside, or as I like to call them, “urban jesters.”
So I will be flying tomorrow, so I figure there is no better time, (than perhaps last week) to whip out some of the events that transpired at my last airport adventure. I forgot to write these down, so I present them to you now.
Airport Adventures
First off, the lady checking bags was wearing waaaay too much blush. Especially for her age, which was like, y’know, old. I came up with some incredibly observations about that, but I found that it would be far easier to convey in exciting graph form.
Notice that the whorishness factor increases exponentially as soon as make-up touches the skin. This is not saying that all women who wear make-up are whores, but the factor begins to climb as soon as it is applied. The goal is to keep it low enough so that you cannot be classified as a whore. So remember girls, less is more!
Also notice that the graph suddenly drops after a certain amount of makeup. This may be confusing, but you have to understand that once a make-up level becomes high enough, a woman becomes a clown. There is no such thing as a clown whore. It’s a fact. Look it up.
So after I finished harshly judging this woman, I moved through security. Security is always a slightly bigger annoyance for me because I have a metal knee implanted in my leg, meaning that the alarm sounds when I walk through. As the alarm blared, I held a letter from my doctor explaining why I was tripping the metal detection system. I stretched my arm out and handed it to the woman. She told me to step back, and the alarm sounded again while she slowly, slowly read the letter with her droopy, glazed eyes.
Of course, the letter did nothing, so I was whisked off to the side to be molested by a stranger. My molester was a middle aged man, who immediately began inquiring as to why I had a metal knee (especially at my scrumptious age). I told him the truth.
“Cancer. Tumor in my leg. Had to have it removed.”
“Oh yeah. So you beat it?’
“Yeah, twice.” (I said, which was actually a really, really dark joke).
“You have to just work hard to beat it, huh? Just like us here. We have to work hard to beat these terrorists.”
I LOVE TSA people. So many of them are so crazy! As soon as he said that, I got an image of him rising in the morning, and the only thing motivating him while he donned his socks was the proud idea that he was some kind of hero. Some kind of protector of the people. Battling terrorists every single day. I had to work hard to suppress a laugh.
I’m serious though, I am going to stop being honest with people about my leg thing. It makes them too crazy. This is my plan for nosy airport security people:
“So why does a young feller like yourself have a metal knee?”
“Leprechaun.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Leprechaun f*cked it up.”
I’ll let you know how it goes.
-Nathan
“‘Cause I’m so bright, it’s like redundant to have the sun out.”
