There’s a story behind this comic, so the events you see are almost completely based in reality.
Noah is currently in possession of a friend, who I know as Humphrey. The name stemmed from a time when I called Noah’s cell phone, and it was promptly answered by someone who was, in fact, not Noah. He immediately identified himself as Humphrey, a name I told him was “awesome.”
Upon later discussion with Noah, he identified Humphrey with a different name. A name I consider irrelevant. So when I finally met Humphrey in person, that is what I called him, and I shall continue to call him.
Anyways, as I am to understand, Humphrey is a rather outgoing person, or so I have managed to conclude after meeting him, and based on the story you are about to read.
So apparently Humphrey was in a restroom . . . in public, and for whatever reason, he felt compelled to stick his head over the wall of an occupied bathroom stall, in order to greet the person inside. Needless to say, when Humphrey’s enthusiastic head popped over the wall and emanated a quick, “Hi!” the young man inside was horrified.
“Why are you looking at me?!!” The poor stall-dweller cried, probably rather angrily.
At this point, Humphrey made a quick observation, “Why are you sitting sideways?”
This completely turns the tables. No longer is the focus on the disturbing anti-social (or perhaps excessively social) behavior Humphrey was displaying, it is now on the guy in the stall, and why he desired to break the confines of conformity, and establish a brand-new manner of relieving oneself. It’s a ground-breaking new philosophy, and the subject of my new book, “Toilet Positions: How To Get the Best Out of Your Defecation,” which is graphically and explicitly illustrated and will be available this summer. More on that later.
Public restrooms are always a place of horror and revulsion for me. The act of bathroom-going is private and sacred, and having outsiders present when the practice must occur is wrong on multiple levels.
As a rule, I think that all bathrooms should have music playing in them, for the simple reason is that it covers up the noise of others. Nothing is more strangely awkward than standing at a urinal with someone else, both of you suffering from “stage fright,” and engaged in a silent, desperate race to be the first to begin urinating. With music, you cannot hear the panicked and frightened breath of the other, as they strain to relax those suddenly dormant muscles.
Grunts and any other sounds of exertion from inside a stall are primal sounds of terror. There is nothing quite like a monstrous 300 pound man perched on a commode, his breathing thick and ragged as he fights against some kind of intense pain, attempting to deposit something as large as a football, and roughly as soft.
I could continue with this description, but I am pretty sure I have just alienated most of you with those last few sentences.
I am also somewhat germ phobic, so I have come up with the ultimate routine to minimize any contact with disease. My routine annoys Noah, who is basically just a filthy bag of disease, so disregard any advice concerning hygiene from him.
1. Open the stall by grabbing a part that you think that hardly anyone might have touched.
2. Pull out a seat cover and drop it in the toilet. (Reduces the fearful splash-back).
3. Place another seat cover carefully on the seat.
4. Flush using your foot.
5. Use some toilet paper to unlock the stall door.
6. Proceed to the sink, and turn on.
7. Use lots of soap and try to wash away that dirty feeling.
8. Throw away any exposed paper towels (they might have been contaminated) and get another one out.
9. Wash your hands again.
10. Without touching anything, grab the paper towel and dry off, then use it to turn off the sink and acquire another paper towel.
11. Dry hands, use towel to get another.
12. Use that towel to carefully open the door. If garbage can is not available, and no one is looking, toss it on the floor. (That’s what janitors are for, after all).
See, now you are safe from the fearful plagues of public restrooms! Also, I am seriously considering investing in this fine device, which I think would only further sanitize the experience.
-Nathan
Someday I am going to walk up to someone and say, “Ay, lemme kick it to you right quick man, not on some gangsta sh*t but some real sh*t,” and then I will watch their mind explode out their ears.
