hello iNTerneT

well it turns out we’re having some problems with blog posts right now. not able to log in. so what that means is that what you are reading right now was NOT ACTUALLY TYPED BY ME. well, it was, but in the past. in this post every letter was recrafted and reshaped by nathan HIMSELF. on his IPHONE. with TINY LETTERS. I sent him all of this blog post through email, then smiled as i pictured him strenuously copying my manuscript, sweating as he typed, trying to capture the essence of my writing. also it made me feel like i should write something of importance rather than my normal postings about cereal and nose hair.

so here it is.
something of essence. of value.

the human condition is only partial to the importance of the world’s needs at whole. conditionally, the value of

i fell asleep

ok so i’m watchin TMZ as i write this. dunno if you’ve ever watched TMZ

(what does TMZ stand for, btw?

Total Macho Zeppelin
Teeth Marrow Zebra
Terrible Music Zohan

nope. no idea. an easy google search could probably solve this problem, but i am goin to offer the first POOP IN BED CONTEST PRIZE. if you find out what TMZ stands for, i will personally send you a congratulatory email. i am dead serious. who doesn’t want that? well realistically . . . everyone)

SO, TMZ. this is a show starring a gap toothed guy who drinks smoothies all day long (hollywood bigshot!) while his hipster friends make fun of celebrities. zac efron has earwax! (<– actual story on TMZ. and they were all like “OH NO HE DINNT!!!”). tom hanks walks in airport! jennifer lopez buys a purse! OH SNAP! it’s literally the most pointless show in the world. absolutely nothing of substance happens on it. and yet… i will watch it. willingly. on any occassion. so apparently it’s doing something right…

but you never hear anything about the ugly celebrities! what about when steve buschemi gets a haircut? or when maya rudolph parks awkwardly? no one cares about them. so i figured i would look up an under appreciated celebrity and scope out the intricacies of THEIR lives, much as how brad pitt cannot even water his lawn without being tackled by a 250 pound TMZ photographer who proceeds to berate him for not being friendly enough.

so without further ado here is
TMZ: C List Celeb Edition

WILLIAM H. MACY

here’s the mace-ster talking on his phone. presumably to his MISTRESS

what would felicity huffman think of that, HUH WILLIAM? infidelity is not IN anymore! didn’t you get the memo? and what’s in the bag, huh? COCAINE? doin drugs AND cheatin on your wife??? I HATE YOU

ANDY RICHTER

what you lookin at, fatty? see a cop car in the distance comin to arrest you? arrest you because you are a MURDERER? and a CANNIBAL? is that why you’re so fat? because you eat HUMAN BEINGS? I HATE YOU

KIRSTIE ALLEY

look, i respect to you for losing all that weight, past fatty. but would it kill you to DO YOUR HAIR and PUT ON MAKEUP? don’t you realize you’re in PUBLIC? what if a tabloid was nearby? WAIT IM TMZ AND I HATE YOU FATTTTYYYyyyy

(… surprisingly, i feel like i was nicer than the show.)

anywhoo, poop in bed

sweet dreams internet