Here I am, along for the ride! Of course, if on the old Gamer Candy website I was the unshaven mess sleeping on the metaphorical couch while I waited to get back onto my feet again (Everyman website), now I am the unwelcome guest who Nathan generously brings along to his new mansion. I walk in with my single box of things and lay it on the hardwood floor, shuffling my feet nervously. This place is too rich for my blood. And it’s not like I helped move, either. I just sort of lied there on the couch, passed out and covered in pretzels.

But I appreciate it nonetheless.

I did bring a sort of welcoming present, though.

In my childhood, I worked on many projects. One was a comic series about a dog, who was coincidentally also a cop. His name was Cop Dog. I sketched out two (brilliant) issues of this series, and have them to this day. Perhaps some blog post in the future will feature those. BUT these next two weeks I will feature something entirely different. This was the short of thing we all had that we figured would skyrocket us to stardom and provide us with immense riches for life (at age 7). I had lots of these. Once I found what I thought to be a fossil of a plant, and thought selling it to museums would garner thousands of dollars, and then i could buy a copy of Sonic and Knuckles for the Sega Genesis. Turns out it was just a scratched rock.

But by far one of my most extensive age 7 get rich quick ideas was to write a totally sweet novel. It was called “Pork E. Hogg”.

Basically it’s about this pig. He goes on many adventures and learns many valuable lessons.
Chapter four introduced a character called chester cheetah, and midway through writing the chapter I realized that was the name of the cheetos cheetah, and proceeded to angrily scribble the whole chapter out and gave up shortly after.

But while I was writing this in elementary school, it was big! Huge! Classmates wanted to buy this book from me, and frequently asked about the progress! “Soon.” I said, “I will be taking preorders for ten dollars”. my best friend even showed me something on his computer he was working on, called “Pork H. G. D. E. F. N. O. H. Hogg”. When I confronted him, saying “you stole my idea!” he said, “no, the initials are different and there are more of them!”

Truly it is one of the greatest works of the fourth grade. Terry Reimer’s story about a crippled kid winning the olympics? Garbage!

So without further ado, I present… Pork E. Hogg.

PORK E. HOGG
Chapter One

Pork sat on his junk pile, flossing his teeth with a old chiken bone. “I love my junk pile!” he said. He ate old cheese then saw a note. It was all ripped up but he could read it, it said “Pork E. Hogg come visit us! from the Hoggs” It was a note from his parents. He put it into his pocket (he was wearing old suspenders he found in the junk pile) and called the train comnishner (on a phone in the junk pile). “Hello pork e. hogg!” said the comnishner “a ride to the city?” “yes please!” pork said. the train pulled up and the comnishner opened the door. Pork E. Hogg did not want to leave his junk pile behind and asked the comnishner how much it would be to bring it along. “$673 dollars and 53 cents” pork e hogg paid and hopped onboard, carrying his junk pile with him. the doors closed and it went dark, and pork fell asleep on top of the junk pile.

when he woke up he was sleeping on the bottom of the train without the garbage. the comnishner opened the door and pork was blinded by the light. “here’s your stop” said the comnishner. pork looked everywhere but could not see his junk pile. he asked where it was and the comnishner said “you were one cent short so we dropped it off on the way” pork was angry and asked “where?” the comnishner said he could not remember. pork jumped off the train and looked how far he had come. his trash pile could be anywhere in the world.

Come back next week for the rest of the chapters and the exciting conclusion! Note: not really exciting at all and entirely anticlimactic.

Ah! The first Poop In Bed of the new site! I think one of the best we’ve done, too. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it is one of the funniest comics ever! In the history of comics! It is so funny I think I am going to have a heart attack! it ASHDFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

see you next week

- joel