happy hallowe’en!

… that’s all i have to say on that.

IT’S HERE after week (just one) of suspense and nail-biting, the final three chapters of the children’s classic reggae folk experience Pork E. Hogg. I might add that I still think that this story is marketable. Think about it! He’s a pig! He goes on a cross country journey in search of his family and his junk pile! He almost gets butchered multiple times! He meets interesting characters along the way, such as the shameless Cheetos mascot ripoff and the “train comnishner”. It’s multi-layered and altogether charming, and your kids are going to love reading it for the low low price of ten dollars. I will be taking pre-orders for the finished work soon.

PORK E. HOGG
Chapter Two

Pork walked threw the city streets looking for his garbage pile. It could be anywhere in the whole world. He stoped and asked a citisen if he had seen it. “Sorry, piggy!” said the man. Pork began to cry. All of his things were in the garbage pile. He grew up living in the garbage pile and it was his house. He thought that he would never give up and started asking more people if they had seen the pile. No one did. Pork asked people in the rest of the day and then the sun started to go down. Pork realized that he was very hungry.

Pork found a shop that smelled good and saw a sign out front that said “Fork $1.99″. Pork thought that it was strange that he had to buy his fork but he was very hungry and so he went inside the shop and asked for a meal. Then the owner grabbed him and pulled him into the back room! Pork was then strapped to a metal board! “Hey what are you doing! I thought I was coming in for a meal! It said that forks only cost $1.99!” The owner said ” That said Pork but a part of it was faded off because of the rain!” Pork then realized that he was going to be the dinner for other people! The owner pulled out a big nife and raised it high into the air. Quickly Pork chewed through his ropes and jumped to the ground as the nife slammed into the board. Pork tripped the man and ran out of the shop and while he was outside he took a marker and fixed the f to say pork so that no other Pigs would fall for the trap! He then ran away.

I posted up to this chapter on my old blog, which is hidden in the far reaches of the interwebs to collect dust. As I had predicted, people reading my blog then were enthralled and captivated by the trials and tribulations of Pork E. Hogg, and desperately needed closure on the tale. I never gave it to them. My blog drifted into seedy forgotten underbelly of the web, next to Napster and Friendster, never to be cared for again. This broke the hearts of some people, including some weirdo from Malaysia who bookmarked my blog and checks it still every week, two years later. Odd.

So, while I did not satisfy their cravings, so instead I will satisfy yours – with the never before seen action packed 3rd and 4th chapters of PORK E. HOGG!!!!!! (no one is as excited as I am.)

PORK E. HOGG
Chapter Three

Pork dusted off of his feet and looked into the horisen. He did not know where to start looking for his junk pile. Suddenly, a bad smell filled his nostrils. He would know that smell anywhere. He knew that smell belonged to his junk pile! He looked around everywhere and saw a different train, and his junk pile was on the back of it! The train was stopped at a crossing but was moving soon so Pork E. Hogg had to run! He ran and barely made it but grabbed onto the back of the train as it started to drive off! He could hardly hold on with his paws and was slipping, but then a bird flew in and picked him up on to the top of the train. “Who are you?” said Pork to the bird. “My name is Albert! What are you doing on my train, skwaaak!” Pork looked at Albert who was a black crow with a long beak. “I am here for my junk pile, it’s right there on the top of the train!” Albert said, “Oh, that’s not your junk pile, thats the train drivers! He picked it up off the side of the road.” Pork shook his head, “No. I would know the look and smell of my junk pile anywhere. I need to get it off the train.” Albert said “Ok. I will help you. Skwaaaak!!”

Albert flew Pork overtop the caboose holding his pile of garbage and dumped him into it. It was good! Pork landed right next to his favrite pile of old pizza. He was home! But suddenly the train driver lifted Pork up by his neck! “What are you doing in my junk pile!” said the driver. “It’s not your pile” said Pork. The driver pulled out a shovel and swung it at Pork. “Yelp!” Said Pork and he jumped out of the way. But he was cornered! The driver took the shovel again and tried to hit Pork with it and he was close to hitting him! But he missed because Albert flew in and bit the driver on the ear! “Ouch!” said the driver. “Run Pork!” said Albert. Pork jumped off the train and tumbled but he was alright. He watched as the train took his garbage away into the sunset. He tried running after it but it was too fast. He sat down on the ground, sad. He didn’t know where the garbage was headed. “Why so glum”? said a voice behind Pork. He turned around it was Albert! “Thank you for helping me” said Pork. “You’re welcome skwaaak!” said Albert. “Will you help me find my garbage pile?” said Pork. Albert said “skwaaak! Always happy to help!”

And finally, the final chapter: four.

PORK E. HOGG
Chapter Four

Pork looked around with Albert. The wasteland was empty and desert. He could still smell his garbage pile from when the train was close and it left a trail of the smell. Albert said, “all we gotta do is follow the smell. Skwaaaak!” Pork E. Hogg nodded. They began following the smell, when suddenly a big tornado formed in the distence! It was getting closer! It was a cloud of smoke twirling really fast. Albert yelled “Skwaaak! We have to get out of here!!!”. They began to run when they saw that the cloud of smoke was coming from behind a fast moving animal. They stopped and looked and the animal jumped in front of them. It was a cheetah. Pork E Hogg looked at the cheetah “Who are you?” he said. The Cheetah smiled at them and said, “My name’s Chester Cheetah! What’s your\’#&@%(@(“

What’s that you say? Anti-climactic? Maybe so. But the moment I realized that the idea of the Cheetah was stolen from Cheetos I scrapped the whole thing, scribbling out the rest of the page as indicated by the symbols at the end there. I was sort of getting tired of the whole writer thing and wanted to go play baseball anyways. I was a tortured writer, always striving to get out that latest magnum opus but also really inclined to go ring someone’s doorbell then run. So conflicted.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this blast from the past, and maybe someday I will jarringly finish the work and bring in unwanted romantic subplots and unneeded themes… like sacrifice and the meaning of life. “This junk pile represents all my hopes and dreams in the world!!!!” maybe not.

Alright so Poop in Bed! I think this one speaks for itself. Hope you enjoy.

- joel