Politics season is in full swing! For two full years now the news cycle has been dominated by every little hiccup and misstep a group of politicians have made. That one is grumpy! That one is dumb! That one has a pimple! We just can’t get enough gossip from our celebrities, so now our politicians are bringing us our share of scandals!

Of course, I say “our” politicians. But I have a secret admission to make – I am a Canadian. Yes, one of those. Don’t judge me. Yes, it is cold. Yes, we play hockey. No, we don’t marry beavers. That only happened once.

But American politics dominates even our news cycle. Peter Mansbridge (who could run CIRCLES around any Brokaw or Couric) brings us our news on a nightly basis with his lovable reassuring charm. He is a true Canadian success story – instead of rising up the ranks through journalism school and hard competitive work, he got his job after being spotted doing airport security. The head of news saw him and was like “Hey, I guess that guy would be alright for this news thing. He has a funny shaped head. He is so hired.”

So every day our news comes on sharing the latest news from the American political front. Then with about ten minutes left in the broadcast, they remember something else.

Oh yeah. We have our own election going on right now. In a month.

I guess that’s sort of important.

So, Americans. I’ve had to listen about your candidate’s fashion no-nos and choice in breakfast cereal for two years now, so I’m going to return the favor. Prepare to suffer (or potentially just skip to the end. Our candidates are incredibly bland)!!!

2008 CANADIAN ELECTION CANDIDATES

STEPHEN HARPER

Ah! The incumbent and current Prime Minister himself! You might be thinking to yourself, “ehh, he’s not so bad! He looks like a politician! Perhaps he might even be engaging!” You’d be wrong. See that facial expression? That’s his only look. The half-smile dopey eyed straight face. Nuclear bomb explodes? Dopey-face. At least your current President has a range of monkey-like emotions. You can’t even make fun of our guy. Everyone basically agrees he’s doing an alright job running an alright country. He has an alright fashion sense and an alright speaking style. Not exactly helping Canada’s image in the world’s eyes as being anything more than an alright nation with an alright economy and alright foreign policy. We are so lame.

Stephane Dion

The opposition! This well-meaning French liberal is a smallish looking guy who no one is exactly thrilled with. Of course in America, everyone was psyched at the prospect of having the first woman president or the first African-American president, but somehow the first overtly French dude being Prime Minister doesn’t seem to thrill anyone. Of course, any hypothetical Canadian blog readers out there might be like “but we had a French-sounding prime minister dude in Jean Chretien for over ten years!” and you’d be right. But that guy was hilarious. This guy is a grumpy small French dude who also brings the whole boredom factor as well. Now, hypothetical blog reader, you might be saying “but wait! Politics shouldn’t be about flashy tabloid-ish subjects such as pregnancy and people from the past!”. And you’d be right. But the only reason Canadian politics doesn’t bring that stuff into the news is because these guys haven’t done anything remotely exciting in their entire lives. If they tried to tabloid up Stephane, the headlines would be like “Dion forgets to shoulder check while driving!”

Jack Layton

You know you’ve got a problem when the most charismatic candidate looks like he should be working as the owner of an auto parts store. This guy has been trying to get elected for like 12 years now and comes in third every single time. You almost wish someone would just let him know it’s not gonna work out. Even placing second would curb his rampant alcoholism.

Elizabeth May

Look out Sarah Palin! A new charismatic female candidate is on the rise. Well, not really. The leader of the Green Party (which has become synonymous with “failure”) has about as much chance of winning the election as Dennis Kucinich did (that guy was a laugh riot). But you’re behind the curve on this, America! We’ve already had our first female Prime Minister! She served for five months in the most unpopular government ever. We Canadians like our Prime Ministers old grumpy ineffective white men.

Gilles Duceppe

And, of course, everyone’s favorite grumpy French uncle, Gilles Duceppe. He’s one of the fellas that wants to separate Quebec from Canada and make it it’s own sovereign nation. How swell! I love their policies, which, as far as I can figure it out, amount to something like this. Foreign policy: separate Quebec from Canada! Economic reform: separate! Military strategy: separate! They sure are wacky!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this crash course on Canadian politics. I am sure it strife with errors, as my analysis of stuff like this amounts to observations like “he has a odd-shaped nose” “she looks sad” “he should shave his mustache”. I realize that Canadian politics is not ample material for comedy, and I’d sort of like to apologize for even trying.

BUT I CAN MAKE UP FOR IT!

It’s friday, and being so that brings about a new Poop In Bed. This week: Nicolas Cage! I have never heard anyone ever say anything like “I like that Nic Cage. Solid actor!” it’s always like “He ruins everything.” So with that in mind, we came up with what I think is ample material for a reality show or sitcom starring Nic – but sadly enough, this is likely what he endures every day. Enjoy!

till next week!

Joel